maybe you and I, in another life
by heartofSpoby
Summary: What if it had turned out differently? What if true love did exist? Spencer and Toby and what could have been...
1. Chapter 1

Toby had never really loved Washington. One of the many things that distinguished him from Spencer. When ever they would walk through the city Toby always saw the beauty but it was still just a big and loud city. With Spencer it was different, her eyes basically started glowing when ever she saw one of the huge buildings or the crowded streets, when she heard the different voices and noises. Toby never understood why, but he enjoyed it anyway because whenever Spencer smiled, it didnt matter where they were. But Today this was just to much for him. It was one AM and he had been walking around the city for over an hour now, and everything disgusted him. Spencer would make a great politician. She needed this. Success. Recognition. Glory. At the next crossroad he took a little alley leading to a playground. Since it was in the middle of the night there was not a single soul to be seen. But when Toby closed his eyes he could literally hear little children laughing, he could see toddlers waddling around and the triumphant look on the parents faces when their infant made his first try to crawl. If Spencer was here right now what would she think about? Probably about crying and screaming babys, annoying the people around them. Toby felt a tear leaving his eye.

"Why are you talking like our future together is already set in stone?"

That was the last thing he´d heard of her before he´d left the dorm room. Was she right? Was he being immature and naive for believing a relationship could last forever? Maybe he was even being selfish, after all his desire to have a family was more important to him than her desire to have a big career. Toby immediately stopped. What was he doing here. Him leaving and feeling pity for himself wouldn´t fix anything. He was not going to take of again. They were going to make this decision together and what ever it was gonna be they´d get through it.

When he entered her room again, he realized that Spencer hadn´t moved at all since he´d left. Her face was pale her look focused on the wall in front of her and her hands still wrapped around the positive pregnancy test as if it was a bomb that would explode if she let it go. She didn´t even look at him when he sat next to her. For a while none of them said a word and the only thing they heard was the laughter of some college students that were throwing a party beneath them. Another life Toby and Spencer wouldn´t have if they made this decision. Finally Toby opened his mouth. "Look Spencer" He said, trying to find the right words. "This is not something we have to solve tonight, okay? Believe me I´m not thrilled about this pregnancy either, not because I don´t want us to have a child but rather because I always wanted this day to be the best day in both of our lives." 

He stopped and tried to read her reaction, but the room was to dark and she still hadn´t moved. So he simply continued. "But I also believe that you and I are people who went through a lot and that we both are desperately looking for a safe place to land a place where we can be happy. And yes, a baby would mean a lot of hard work and some obstacles in your career but I think we could manage that." He took a deep breath. "Because we will always be our safe place to land."

For the first time in this day Spencer made a noise. First Toby thought she was about to get angry but then he realized that she was crying. It had been a long time since Spencer had let anyone see her cry. And never had it been like this. It felt like all the tears she´d hidden this past 20 years were suddenly surfacing.

Her parents always favoring Melissa. Disappointment.

Her starting to Take pills to keep being the best. Desperation.

Alison constantly bullying her. Humiliation.

The Jenna Thing. Guilt.

That night in the barn. Grief.

A´s first threat. Powerlessness.

Her and Tobys first anniversary. Betrayal.

The night in The woods where she found Toby. Emptiness.

Falling into relapse. Shame.

The Dollhouse. Pain.

Spencer tried to calm down, tried to breath but she couldn´t. Her body was simply not able to stop shaking, her hand finally let go of the pregnancy test and instead started looking for Toby´s. He didn´t know how to act, so all he did was wrapping his arms around her tiny, fragile body, not capable of holding back his own tears any longer. Finally, Spencer spoke for the first time.

Her voice was nothing more than a whisper, but Toby heard it anyway. "I don´t know what to do." She said. "I am so scared." Toby only imposed more pressure on her. Afraid of letting go."So am I" He answered. "So am I."


	2. Chapter 2

When Spencer woke up the next morning, she immediately felt the emptiness next to her. She opened her eyes, still feeling a little bit dizzy from the amount of sleep she´d gotten last night, it wasn´t something new that whenever Toby was staying with her she wouldn´t get enough sleep but that used to be more because of... Exciting activities and not because she´d spend the whole night crying. When she opened her eyes, her head hurt like hell. She smelled Tobys scent on the pillow next to her, and for a second she was filled with pure bliss. It felt like it was just another weekend with Toby staying here. Soon he´d come in, with two cups of coffee in his hands and this absolutely adorable, bright smile on his face. He´d put the coffee on her desk and then crawl back to her under the covers and tell her that what ever happened yesterday was simply a terrible nightmare and that everything was going to be okay. But then she got a glimpse of the pregnancy test and the pile of tissues next to her and she immediately felt sick. Unintentionally her hand covered her stomach. it was just as flat as it´d always been and the thought of it being more just felt so surreal. Eventually, the door did open and Toby entered the room with two cups of coffee just like he´d always done. But his facial expression was rather sad and instead of joining her, he chose the chair and just looked at her as if they were about to go to a funeral. Spencer got up trying to ignore the pain in her head. And then took a sip of the coffee

"It tastes great." She said, not being able to take the silence any longer.

"It´s from the cafeteria." He answered. She knew, he was waiting for her to say something. Something significant. But somehow she couldn´t. Instead she just grabbed a random pair of trousers and a shirt and approached the bathroom. She tried to avoid a conversation as long as possible, took an extra long shower and then afterwards brushed her hair for over 15 minutes. She was just about to paint her nails when something stopped her. A feeling deep inside her that suddenly had the urge to do something. To talk. She slowly went back into the room. Toby was sitting on the couch with an absent-minded smile, and sad eyes that almost made Spencer want to just hug him and never let him go again. Instead she just sat next to him, looking for the right words.  
"I love you Toby." She said with a hollow voice. "But I also know that that compared to you I often seem like some cold, heartless person, but I am not."

Tobys face had gotten softer again and he grabbed her hand. "You know I don´t think that."

"Yes. Sometimes you do. Yesterday you did."

Toby didn´t say anything for a while. She was right and he knew it. "I just feel..." He tried to explain. "I feel like I need you more than you need me. Not that you don´t love me but you could have an amazing life without me but I couldn´t. And I don´t think that this... Child would ruin my life or hold me back or anything because to me, this is what a perfect life should look like."  
Spencer bit her lip, trying to calm her breathing. "And you´re doing it again"  
"Doing what?" He asked confused.

"You give me the part of the selfish, spoilt person who only cares about her career. This is not easy for me, okay? I know that this is not some faceless foetus, this could be our child. And I´ve been thinking about this the whole night. I myself spent my teenage years in rehab, radley and running away from some disturbed stalker. I´ve never been a child myself, thus i cannot be a parent."  
Toby looked at her, still holding her hands. "Maybe that´s exactly why we could make it. Because we´ve been through worse than most people, and that made us also incredibly strong and wise." He saw the disbelief in her eyes and he knew that she did have a point. But if he was being honest, he didn´t want her to have good reasons, he didn´t want to hear anything that could make him change his mind.

"Toby." Spencer said with her soft voice and the saddest smile on her face that he´d ever seen. "One day I want to have a child. I want it to have a beautiful life, in a little house in a nice area with a kinder garden and maybe even a musical school where his parents can spend all day with it and a lot of money to fulfil all its dreams. I don´t want for it to be laughed at in school because its teenage parents were to stupid to use proper protection. I don´t want it to be raised in a tiny dorm room and have parents who can barely play with it because they have to spend the whole day trying to find jobs that can keep them afloat. That´s not what our kids life should look like."

Tob wasn´t able to answer. A hot tear ran down his cheek and he felt as if he was in some movie. How could anyone expect him to make a decision, it was simply not possible. He knew that Spencer was right. An unwanted child would destroy their relationship AND the child. But all these arguments didn´t count at all when he thought about the baby...Their Baby.

"Please Toby, I need you." She begged, now crying again. "I need you to not make me the bad guy who kills the ba... Foetus. I need us to make this decision together."

Toby didn´t say anything, instead he just hugged her as tight as possible. The Child wasn´t real but Spencer was, and her getting pregnant was his fault after all. He knew he had to do this for her.

If this was a film, he would wind back. Back to the part before everything went terribly wrong.

Two days later Spencer drove to the hospital two blocks away. She had barely slept or eaten at all. After the talk she and Toby, had they basically stopped communicating. They sat together, lived together but it was not like they really noticed it. In the evening they fell asleep in the same bed, but as soon as Toby thought that she was asleep, he would lay down on the couch and stare at the ceiling. And Spencer would pretend not to be aware of it, but they both knew she was. Sometimes she started crying in the middle of the night but Toby didnt´t react. She knew he couldn´t. He would remain in Washington for the next two days until the abortion was done. They hadn´t talked about when they would see each other again. But deep down they both knew the answer.

Spencer thought about all the problems. Her parents would probably disinherit her or just not speak to her at all. With Toby just being a cop they wouldn´t be able to have a huge flat. But the most important thing; How was she supposed to raise a kid? With all the stuff she´s been through as a child and a teenager how could she alone help some little child to find its way in this world.

 _But you´re not alone._

Another voice suddenly said.

She thought about the day, she had first met him. Really met him.

The day on his patio. She remembered how only a few weeks ago she had been convinced that he was the most dangerous person in this town, but ten minutes of sitting on his patio and looking at his blue, compelling eyes had been enough to change her world forever.

They went through so much pain.

A forcing her to break up with him.

Him pretending to work with A.

Him becoming a cop.

The long distance relationship.

There had been so many moments where she´d thought; maybe their relationship was just condemned to end now. But then she´d look into his eyes again, and all these problems would suddenly seem so unimportant. He was her once upon a time. Always had been, always will be. Many guys tell girls things about loving her forever but he was the only one who really meant it. She would never really be alone.

Toby stood by the coffee shop where they had agreed to meet He seemed preoccupied in thoughts, still having this desperate facial expression and this depressed poise of body. He was reading something that was written on the shop window, when he saw Spencer standing on the other side of the street, in the reflection. He immediately felt that something was different. He couldn´t grasp what it was exactly, he just knew it was. In a sudden hurry he walked towards her, afraid of losing her again. None of them said a word, instead Toby just put his arms around her and buried his face in her neck. "Please, don´t let me go." She whispered. Ironically she was the one who interrupted this magic moment a few minutes later. Looking up at him with her loyal, deep, brown eyes. "In our society today, it is highly unlikely for a relationship to last forever especially when they have to face so many obstacles. But we already did. Because if there is anyone on this earth who can beat the odds, then it is you and me. I believe we will find a way, It´ll just be us, we won´t need anyone and we will be able to build this family, you and I always wanted. Right?" Toby only realized now, what this speech was leading to. He felt his heart skip a beat and a tear of joy in his eye. He wanted to stop smiling like an idiot, but it just wasn´t possible.

"Yeah" He whispered. "Yeah, we will."

Then he leaned down and kissed her as passionately as he could, forgetting all the people around them, releasing all the love he felt for her into the kiss.

 **A/N: Hey, guys, hope you liked it. Not really sure what to do with this story. End it as this two short, or actually continuing it... Uhh so undecided right now.**


	3. Chapter 3

"so, what do you think?" Toby asked, looking at her eagerly.

"Uh... Well, I´m not really sure." Spencer stared at the meal Toby had just cooked for her. She was in her 10th week now and was one of the few woman who was fortunate enough not to suffer from morning sickness, yet whenever Toby was cooking recently, she felt like she had to puke. Two days ago it had been broccoli bake, the day after it had been cauliflower and now; spinach with potatoes.

She hadn´t said anything before, because she knew that he only meant well, but she just couldn´t do this anymore.

"I´m sorry, Tobes." She sighed. "But I can´t eat that."

Tobys eyes widened. "Aren´t you feeling well? Is something wrong?"

"No, everything is fine." She laughed, his care never failing to move her. She leaned her head against his and closed her eyes. It were moments like this one, where she could actually forget all the problems around her and pretend that she and Toby were simply some ordinary, happy couple, awaiting a Baby. Toby put his arm around her and sighed. "To much, right?" Last week they had borrowed a bunch of books about pregnancies and children a "how-to-live-healthy" one among them. Spencer had stopped drinking alcohol and even coffee, Although it took quite a while to get her off of that. "It´s my Baby after all." She had joked. "Of course it likes coffee."

Spencer got up, throwing the food into the bin. She turned around and smiled. "You know what? How about we just go out and grab a cheeseburger and some chips?"

Toby admitted his defeat, by raising his hands. He knew that Spencer wasn´t mad at him, they were both still trying to adapt to this new situation. But Toby got more and more frustrated every day. This was only the beginning, how was it going to be, when there would be a real Baby? How was he supposed to take care of it properly, without being overprotective.

For a few minutes they were both quiet, before Spencer walked over to him. crawling into his lap, entangling her fingers behind his neck, before kissing his lips gently.

"Forget about the stupid food." She suggested. "From now on we´ll simply eat chips with spinach and broccoli." Toby couldn´t help but laugh. "God, that is disgusting." For a while they just sat there in total peace, sharing sweet and gentle kisses. But there was still one topic they had to talk about this evening. It was inevitable, yet none of them had the guts to address it. In the end it was Toby, who pulled away and said the words;

"So, how are we going to tell your parents?"

Spencer sighed. "Just the topic I wanted to avoid."  
Although Toby was going to transfer to Washington in a few month, he still had to finish his old job in Rosewood. Spencer decided to accompany him this weekend, so they could use he opportunity to let her parents in on this.

"It doesn´t matter how we´re going to tell my parents, their reaction will be the same. I know they won´t be thrilled, but maybe they´ll at least give us some financial support..." Not actually believing what she just said, Spencer stopped in the middle of her sentence.

"We both know the truth, Spence." Toby answered. "If they find out that I got you pregnant, the only thing they´ll pay for is a one way ticket for me to Alaska."

Spencer knew he was exaggerating, but she could imagine her parents actually doing this.

"You know what?" With a determined face, she turned around to face her boyfriend again. "let´s just forget it." Toby was just about to say something, when he felt her lips on his again, but this time the kissing became much more passionate, deepening the kiss as her lips parted beneath his.

He immediately felt a cold shiver running down his spine. It didn´t matter how many times he´d kissed and touched and made love to her, it always felt so exciting and new, and he wasn´t sure if he´d ever really get used to her.

Spencer looked at him playfully, when she started to slip her top off her torso, giving him time to admire her newly exposed skin. Toby moaned as her lips left his mouth and went to his neck.

"Spence." He whispered in a husky voice. "Maybe we should move this to your bed."

Spencer giggled. "I was waiting for you to suggest that."

Soon they collapsed onto the bed, quickly getting rid of each others clothes. And as their hands caressed over whatever skin they could find, Toby suddenly felt so light and alive that he actually started to forget everything. His past. The problems. The hard time that was lying ahead of him. Everything but her.

"So, how´s college?" Peter Hastings asked a couple of days later. Spencer and Toby had just arrived for dinner, and of course this was the first question her father had. _I could tell him I have cancer._ Spencer thought. _He wouldn´t care as long as it meant that I´d still live long enough to graduate as valedictorian from college._

But all she said was; "Everything is good. Still one of the best of my year."  
"One of?" Peter asked. Raising an eyebrow. Spencer felt Toby getting mad next to her, but she just took his hand, implying that she had control over this situation.

"Yeah. There´s one guy that has better grades. But I don´t suppose that´s weird, since his parent are lawyers as well. Just way out of your league."  
"Spencer:" Her mother sighed. "Watch your tongue, would you?"

Spencer just stared at her plate, not feeling hungry anymore. This Dinner was simply everything she´d expected...and more. They were all sitting around the table in the Hastings dining room, where a cook had just served the starter. For a long time the room was simply filled with uneasy silence. Toby wasn´t even the problem. Her parents still thought that she could do better with someone else, but after the whole A drama they started to appreciate him more. It wasn´t something new, that nobody knew what to talk about. All Spencer heard for the next few minutes was the chewing around her and the clock above her. Tik tok. Tik tok. Tik tok.

"I´m pregnant." It took her a few seconds to realize what she´d just said. She heard Toby next to her chocking over his food, than it was silent again. This time the silence was more than uncomfortable. It was unbearable. Her parents maintained their position, looking at her in disbelief, not saying a word.

She could´ve heard a pin drop. Just when her mother was finally about to say something, her father started to burst into laughter. "Oh Spencer." He laughed. "You really are willing to tell anything just to challenge us, aren´t you." He only stopped laughing when he realized that nobody else was laughing.

"I´m not making anything up, Dad. Toby and I are expecting a child." She said with a calmness that even surprised herself. Toby´s hand reached out for hers and she gladly accepted it.

Tik Tok. Tik Tok. Tik Tok. Tik Tok. Tik Tok.

It took ten seconds for her father to speak again. When he did, his face was red, but his voice was terrifyingly calm. "out." He whispered. When neither Spencer nor Toby reacted, he repeated it again, this time more determined. "Out!"

Spencer felt tears threatening to surface. Her eyes tried to find her mother´s but all she did was staring at her plate as if the meal on it was the most interesting thing she´d ever seen. Shedding a tear of disappointment, Spencer got up, ready to get out of this house and never come back. It was Toby who suddenly stopped her. He turned around to her parents. "This is your daughter!" He spoke disgusted. "And all through her life, you´ve disappointed her over and over again. But despite that, she always forgave you, she always loved you and she did and gave up everything you wanted just to please you. But now, she needs you! She needs her parents who support her even though they don´t approve of the path she´s taken. Because she is your daughter." Peter Hastings looked like he was about to lose his temper. When he spoke, his voice was shaking.

"How dare you." He shouted. "You who got my daughter into this position in the first place. I never forced her to do anything. Spencer is ambitious. She wants to be a politician and she wants a big career and now she can´t have that, because you weren´t responsible and careful enough to..."  
"Stop it." Spencers whole body was shaking now. She was used to her parents ignoring her, punishing her and blaming her for everything. But she would not let them go after Toby. "Leave him alone, Dad! This is my fault. If you want a scapegoat, here I am. Because Toby did nothing wrong. I took antibiotics you´re not supposed to mix with the pill. I´m the one to blame. You should be happy that I have someone like Toby who´s still willing to love and take care of me and the Baby."

She didn´t even give her father time to react. She just took her coat and stormed out off the house. There was rain coming down in sheets but she didn´t even notice. The first thing she felt was pain. She didn´t even know where exactly she was hurting. Her stomach. Her head. Her back. Her lungs. When she tried to take a breath, it felt like a fireball was running through her body. _I´m burning._ She thought. She didn´t consider fighting. When her body hit the cold floor she accepted it. As her vision started to grow hazy she suddenly felt two strong hands on her shoulders. "Breath." She heard a familiar voice. Whose voice was it again? "Breath." _I cant._ She wanted to say. _I´m ablaze._ But the hands didn´t give up. Instead they cupped her face and forced her to open her eyes. The first thing she saw was grey. A grey road, a grey sky, even the rain was grey. _What a grey world._ Then she looked up, straight into a pair of eyes. They were blue. _So beautiful._ And without knowing it Spencer finally took a deep breath. As the oxygen was finally running through her body again, Toby put his arms around her, her head resting on his shoulders. It wasn´t the first time Spencer had those panic attacks. After prom, the night they discovered the truth about A/ Charles, panic attacks started to become part of her life. It might sound weird, but they only started after A had ended. As soon as it was over, she was forced to deal with all the things that had happened to her and her friends in the last two years. But with Washington, College, her friends, Toby and a really good therapist the panic attacks had eventually stopped.

For a few minutes they just sat there on a cold ground, rain pouring down on them. Finally Toby said:

"You know, you didn´t have to lie to your parents to protect me."

"I didn´t lie." She said. Her voice was still shacking, and her eyes were avoiding his. "That thing I said about the antibiotics was true." Toby felt his heart starting to race. There were so many moments where they´d talked about, why it happened in the first place since they´d always been so careful. And all along, she´d known?

"Why have you never told me?"

"Because I haven´t even told myself." Before he was able to process her statement they suddenly heard footsteps coming their way. It was Veronica Hastings.

Or at least, the remains of her. She wasn´t even wearing a coat, her clothes and her hair was soaking wet. Toby immediately got up and crossed his arms.

"What are you doing here." He asked icily. "I think that was enough let´s-bash-Spencer for one evening. Leave her alone now."

Veronica didn´t even look at him. For the first time in the evening her eyes were only focused on her daughter. "Please Spencer." She said determined. "We really need to talk." Now she wanted to talk. She had had two entire hours to communicate with her daughter, and now when she´d finally accepted that her mother was...well, her mother, Veronica decided to show up. But there was something in her eyes that made Spencer believe that what she had to say really was important. On the other hand she was suddenly terribly scared. She´d never seen her mother like this before and something told her, that whatever she was about to find out could change her life forever. But then her eyes met Toby´s and she remembered his previous advice. She took a deep breath. "Tell me."


End file.
